Your child at college? Hold on loosely, but don't let go

Your child at college? Hold on loosely, but don't let go

By LINDA WERTHEIMER / The Dallas Morning News, Sunday, September 7, 2003 - original

THINKING ABOUT EDUCATION

You've dropped your 18-year-old off at college, inspected the dorm room, exchanged hugs and shed some tears. Now, you're home, biting your nails. How can your child possibly survive without you for nine months?

You could become your child's and the university's biggest headache, or you could heed the advice of some college officials and students and learn how to parent from afar. You're about to walk a constant tightrope as you figure out how much parenting is enough for a college student.

Many parents fit into one of two groups, says James Caswell, vice president of student affairs at Southern Methodist University. The first type: The overprotective parent who wants to fight every battle, including conquering homesickness and fixing roommate problems. The second type: The apathetic or super laid-back parent who never can be reached when there's trouble.

Southern Methodist University, like all colleges, prefers parents who've achieved a middle ground. Keep in touch, but don't smother. You're there during a crisis. You keep tabs on grades, but first you get the student's written permission to get grades sent home. Federal privacy laws prohibit colleges from sending grades to parents without a signed released from students.

Don't just send e-mail; write a letter or send a care package to your child. Homemade cookies make you and your child popular on campus. There's nothing like that personal touch, and it's not as intrusive as your showing up on campus without warning.

Your child's got a new life now; practice the 48-hour rule, says Fred Zuker, the vice president and dean of student services at the University of Dallas in Irving. Give the student 48 hours' notice before a visit.

Some parents call every morning to give a wake-up call for class. Please don't, Dr. Zuker advised. Your child will never grow up if you act as his wake-up service.

Another parent enlisted a roommate to spy on the student's whereabouts. Ouch. Big mistake.

"You should definitely stay in your student's life, but you should remember they are free agents," Dr. Zuker said. "Let them be college students."

College students want freedom, but they also want their parents' ear when they think they're having problems, no matter how big or small. If you're getting dizzy from this stream of seemingly contradicting advice, don't worry. It's natural.

College students keep parents and themselves on an emotional roller coaster. One hour, they're upset about a bad grade and crying on the phone with you; the next, they're smiling at a party with friends. The problem is, they only called you when they were upset. Wait 24 hours, call back, and you'll likely hear a happier kid.

But the worst thing you can do is say, "This is the best time of your life," said Michael Coleman, dean of undergraduate students at the University of Texas at Dallas. Your kid may think that years later, but not now.

Michael Humphries, 20, a junior at the University of Dallas, called his parents to complain about having to share a bathroom with 17 students. He bemoaned the lack of privacy. His parents' response: "It's not a big deal."

Mr. Humphries, a residence hall adviser, hates that response; when he calls, the problem is a big one to him. "It was tough. I wanted to hear my parents say, 'I bet it is.' I wanted their acknowledgement that it is tough," he said.

In parents' defense, they just want to keep their children happy, said Deanie Kepler, SMU's liaison for parents since 1998.

Mrs. Kepler is the mother of an SMU graduate and an ombudsman for worried parents. She urges parents to learn what the campus offers for any sort of problem, academic or otherwise. University web sites list tutoring centers and health centers. If your college-aged child has a problem, tell him or her about the services on campus, then back off.

"College is a learning curve for parents as well as students," Mrs. Kepler said.

So, keep your arms straight and travel gingerly on that tightrope.

Linda K. Wertheimer covers higher education for The Dallas Morning News. She can be reached at lwertheimer@dallasnews.com